Sleep walking and talking does not always render positive results

PH also learned drinking for 12 hours in the sun does not lead to positive results either. Saturday was absolutely beautiful and if you're a coastal person, let me tell you, Midwest weather this spring has been about as much fun as a urinary track infection. With the sun being bright and my skin being the color of Elmer's glue, we decided to hit up the pool, but who can go to the pool with out fun summery adult beverages.

At noon PH and I met up with our friends and sneaked in water bottles full of Malibu because our smart concession stand sells Island Oasis smoothies.

A day of drinking at the pool led to a dinner party at our friends house, which led to drinking on the patio, which led to walking to the Irish pub, which introduced me to Three Olives Watermelon and Sprite.

By 11:30pm I was tapped out and stumbling on the sidewalks. I made the decision to go to bed instead of staying up any longer and increasing my chances of a killer hangover the next day. PH opted to stay out.

At 1am I was woken by PH stumbling up the stairs and into the bedroom. In my drunk haze and sleepiness I couldn't register what time it was but PH was being super sweet, crawled into bed, and tried to start making out. Instead of fighting it, I threw my arms around him and thought "what the hell, why not?"

What felt like hours of making out, which was probably only 15 minutes, I finally confessed to PH I was exhausted and wanted to go to sleep.

F* bombs went flying.

PH: You're such a fucking slut!!! I know you're fucking other guys behind my back. You're a fucking whore!!!

Dolce: What is wrong with you!!!

PH: You're a fucking slut that's what wrong with you!!! I should never have married you.

Dolce: You're drunk. Go to sleep.

Being under the influence myself, I laid there and tried to rationalize what was said. I became more angry and more upset with every passing second. I couldn't believe he said all those things to me. Finally I thought to myself, "I don't have to take this shit!"

I sat up and looked at his supine naked body. I could feel my blood boiling. I opened my hand, swung my arm high in the air and it came down with a SMACK!

I hit him as hard as I could square in the balls.

Never in my life have I seen a passed out man move so fast. As the sound of my hand cracking across his man bits resonated in my ears, his body jumped into the air with an exasperated "ugh" sound.; he jumped so high he fell off the bed.

"AAAHHHHHHH!!!! WHOAHHHHH!!! HOLY SHIT! WHAT'S GOING ON!!!!"

I'm not the type of person to go around hitting men in their privates, but for some reason I thought this would be the most memorable way to get my point, frustration, and feeling across. PH was in complete shock, disoriented, and had no idea what was going on or what happened. I yelled and regergitated all the hurtful things he said. He sat be down and in a very calm, sweet, and understanding voice he said, "Dolce, I swear, I don't remember saying any of this. I must have been talking in my sleep. You know I would never say that sober or even awake. I promise I love you too much to say that to you and you know I don't think you're cheating on me or you're slut. You of all people know drunk people can say hurtful things that aren't true."

I knew he was right; I'm the first one to raise my hand and say I'm guilty of being a bad drunk at times. We kissed and went back to bed.

The next morning I woke up and PH was already out of bed. I walked down stairs and sat next to him on the couch. We exchanged good mornings and discussed what we wanted for breakfast. This may sound terrible, but I could not stop laughing at what happened the night before.

PH: Laugh it up while you can. There's nothing quite like waking up to getting clocked in the nuts. You can't even brace yourself for the blow. Pure evil. All I remember is I wanted to pass out but you seemed like you were having fun, so I threw you on top so I could pass out.

Dolce: Honey, that is NOT normal! You cannot allow yourself to make out with me while you're sleeping just because your body lets you. That's not okay.

PH: Well, I thought it was a good plan last night.

Dolce: And look where it got you.

PH: Yeah. One ball shy of a pair.

Dolce: Exactly. Be grateful I made sure to hit you with an open hand instead of fist. I was nice enough to not permanently break one.

PH: (laughts) You're such a bitch.

Dolce: And you love it!