Give the man some Beano

I've been trying really hard for the last couple of weeks not to write about work, but the professional establishment in which I visit daily belongs in the same category with Marilyn Manson in the sideshow at the circus.

For the love of all things holy in the last 72 hours I have had to endure:

A 10 minute a one-way conversation with a warehouse manager about his colonoscopy.

A new rep who calls my cell phone and office phone incessantly asking the stupidest questions and the worst statements I've ever heard. I've always been a fan of the phrase "The only stupid questions are the questions not asked"...I was wrong.

A man who self titled himself Cheif XXXXXX.

A woman who seems to always follow me into the bathroom and then rips ASS while I'm in there. This is not a joke. And we all know how much I love my office bathroom.

I looked in the mirror this morning and "Please talk to me about the most inappropriate topics in the office" was not stamped on my forehead. Just now Emily walked out my office telling she likes to grow her toenails long enough to curl and that she once had acrylic nails put on her big toe.

I took all the strength I had to keep my Teavana tea from projectile vomiting all over my desk. If you didn't know I HATE feet.

I don't want to look at your feet. I sure as hell don't want your feet touching me, and for Christ's sake, please DO NOT tell me you grow your toe nails out until they start to curl under. I'm a very supportive person, but I'm not cheering on this Guinness book world record.

With all my ranting and raving I sat back and asked myself, "Is it really all that bad?"

Then the answer hit me in the face like a stunt gone wrong on jackass.

My old job IT Recruiting.

Only other IT Recruiters can empathize with the number of weirdos one has to work with on a daily basis. This is not limited to race, gender, or Klingon. And for the life of me I cannot understand how IT people are seriously a different breed of human.

Maybe it's because they're on a computer all day? Or they have to learn how to develop Oracle code and informatica systems? I don't have a clue. It could be that they're parents gave them the worst names ever so they would be tormented as children and never develope the social skills necessary to talk to anyone who didn't know how Sequel worked.

Case in Point:
I will never forget two the names I was asked to submit for jobs:

Princy Dikshit and Long Hung

Within three days of me working for the company I received an e-mail from a hiring manager telling me to fire one of our consultants.

They want me to fire someone? I'm in IT recruiting, firing was not what I signed up for, but sure enough the next day I scheduled a morning meeting at Starbucks with this poor bastard who sent his family, still living in Asia, his paycheck every month while he lived in a 2 bedroom flat with 5 other men doing the exact same thing.

Oh, Gawd it sucked!

For the first time in my life I was ashamed of what I was being paid to do. He didn't deserve to be fired, my company was simply charging too much for his consulting fees. While I tried to explain to him that the job "wasn't a match" he sweat profusely and I worried for him. I actually submitted his resume to a competing company because I couldn't stomach him losing his job.

The next time I had to fire someone I didn't lose sleep over the guilt.

I had been recruiting for a couple of months and kind of...well...hated it. I would wake up in the morning and lay in bed with my eyes open and think of a million different excuses how I could get away with not going to work. One day I got a call from a hiring manager who wanted to meet me and go over the behaviour of one of the consultants.

When I arrived at his office he was nice and cordial but I was in no way prepared for what he was about to tell me.

HM: Dolce, we have a problem with Bob. He's a great worker and one of the most talented on the team, but he can't seem to get a long with his coworkers.
Dolce: Is this a problem we can work with him to rectify the working situation?
HM: Well, this is the reason I wanted to bring you into this. I'm not sure how you want to handle this, but I've been getting a lot of complaints about Bob's flatulence problem.
Dolce: (slightly stunned) Flatulence problem? How long has this been going on?

Inner monologue: Don't laugh. Whatever you do, please DO NOT start laughing!

HM: My first complaint was about a month ago. I have not talked to him about this but from what I gather from his teammates he is he loudly passing gas through out the day and disturbing those around him.
Dolce: I have no problem talking to Bob about this, however have any of his teammates mentioned anything to him about his problem? Before I talk to him I just want to know if it has been brought to his attention he is disrupting others. If not, it may be fixed over one conversation.
HM: No no. One of the members of the team pulled him aside and asked him to stop, but it continued. Now several people, even outside his team, have made mention of it. This cannot continue if he wants to work here.
Dolce: I will talk to him right away.

I left the office in a fit of giggles. I couldn't believe my unfortunate luck that I had to talk to a grown man about his farting problem!!! How do you even start a conversation with a straight face when the topic of discussion is farting?

After I collected myself I slowly walked over to Bob's desk and before I was within 6six feet of the guy I heard it...

A You Tube worthy monstrous ass ripping. A passing of gas even this guy would be proud of. How do I get myself in these situations? I had to tell a 45+ year old man to stop farting. What am I a middle school teacher? I'm not prepared for this kind of crap.

Dolce: Hi Bob! Do you have a minute.
Bob: Oh Hi Dolce. Yeah, I'm just finishing up before I go to lunch.
Dolce: Good. Well, Bob, the reason I am here is because HM called me in to talk about a situation with you and your team members. Do you know anything about this?
Bob: Not that I am aware of.
Dolce: Well apparently there have been a couple of complaints about a flatulence problem.
Bob: I TOLD THEM IT'S ONLY NATURAL TO PASS GAS! Dolce, what am I suppose to do with these people? Passing gas is as natural for our bodies as urinating and defecating.

Inner monologue: Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. This man is not normal. Not normal at all!!! He's liable to come in tomorrow and go postal on everyone!

Dolce: Bob, I understand your position, but you are disrupting the people around you and they do not feel it is appropriate to flatulate while you are working. If you need to, use the bathroom. That's where urinating and defecating takes place.
Bob: I would have to get up from my desk all day.
Dolce: Bob, no one will see it as a problem. It would create a better work environment for everyone.

As I am talking to him he farts!!!! Right in front of me!!! My blood starts to boil. The wacko has a lot of guts!

Dolce: Bob! This is inappropriate and not acceptable!!!
Bob: WHAT? I can't help it!
Dolce: Bob, listen to me very carefully. If this behaviour continues any longer you will be out of a job. I don't think this is funny and neither do your co-workers or project manager. Do you understand?
Bob: It's not that big of a deal!
Dolce: Doooo yoooooou uunnnnderrrr - staaaaand?
Bob: Yes.

Less than 48 hours later Bob's resume was back up on Monster. I could complain about the colonoscopy or the long toe nails, but I would prefer any of the people I work with over having to work with a guy like Bob or any of the other weirdos I met in IT recruiting.

What was the worst co-worker habit you had to deal with?