Yesterday I drove my pregnant ass all around southern Illinois for work. It was nice...traveling for work without having to spend the night in a hotel room.
I'm a genius like that.
Around lunch time yesterday I stopped in gas station to fill up my car. Just to let you know, it was gorgeous outside. 80 degrees, breezy..perfect day.
Anyway, as I'm putting the pump away and getting ready to jump in the car a guy in a huge landscape truck backs up next to me. I notice right away he looks more than a little rough. He's got a dirty bandanna tied around his head and his skin looks like it hasn't had shade in over 55 years.
Man: Are you having great expectations?
(Inner monologue - What the hell is this dude talking about? Does he have dip in his mouth or is that his thick southern/hill-billy twang? I mean the book is sitting on my night stand...what if he's some kind of crazy?)
Dolce: Sorry, I don't think I hear you right. Great Expectations?
Man: Your baby!!!!
Dolce: Oh yeah! Right! (smiles politely)
Man: So, are you going to beat the summer heat?
Dolce: I wish! I'm due in July and it gets pretty hot before then.
Man: Well, I'm the father of eight and here is the best piece of advice for your husband - Tell him to go borrow a motorcycle from a friend. Then have him take you for a ride on a long bumpy road. Pull over in a secluded spot and have him make sweet passionate love* to ya and then on your way home he'll be dropping you off at the hospital.
Works like a charm! (smiles at me)
(Inner monologue - ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!!! He as no teeth! NO TEETH! Sick. Fucking Sick!)
Dolce: (fake smiles and laughs) Oh thanks. I'll be sure to tell him that. (jumps in car and immediately takes off)
Seriously, a random guy really told me this yesterday. I couldn't believe it. Although I'm sure he thought it was invaluable information there are a few flaws to his plan.
1. If a motorcycle was between me giving birth at home in my bathtub or racing to the hospital, PH would be youtubing videos on delivering babies and slapping on yellow kitchen gloves before he would let my ass any where near a motorcycle.
2. There are multiple problems with this one: Make sweet passionate love to ya.
Okay, for starters...I'm having a baby in July. Do you know how fucking hot eastern MO is in July? It's HOT. It's damn HOT! So if I'm going to be making "sweet passionate love" in a secluded spot in July, that mother fucker better be air conditioned. Because there is NO WAY I'm having sex in the dead heat of a July summer outside sweating my ass off.
Or
If we waited until later in the evening when it cooled off...Um, chiggers? Mosquito's? Bugs in general? No. No. And No.
Second problem with "sweet passionate love": obviously this guy is full of shit because there is no such thing as "sweet" love making to a nine month pregnant chick. Just in case you're not aware, but there are limited positions which work with a swollen baby-carrying belly. And NONE of them are "sweet". Maybe he was using "sweet passionate love" as code-word for "pound you from behind until your contractions start".
Just a thought.
31 comments:
OMFG that picture is too much.
If looking at that isn't enough to start contractions RIGHT NOW, I don't know what is.
Why is it that the grossest of men always approach and make comments that make you want to vomit?
I bet his advice for curing constipation in basically the same.
I'm not pregnant and i'd never have sex outside in june or july. SO gross.
ha ha aha oh my gosh.PS. I'll be a pregnant Missourian starting the second week of June. And I can't wait to run into you.
@Del-V For erectile dysfunction, too.
Oh my god the last sentence LMAO
Is it even possible? Contraction during doggies?LMAO
Does this happen to you often? People just randomly giving unwanted advice? If so...that's unfortunate.
That's hilarious! I thought I was the only weirdo magnet. The last thought in my mind when I was 8 months preggers (baby born in August) was sweet lovin' outside in the Missouri (Misery) heat/insect-athon. That just makes me cringe. I wish you contractions in cool, sweet air conditioning...
WHAT?
Father of eight? After a woman has like six kids, dont they pretty much just slide out?
Seriously... dont answer that. I'm just sayin.
Hahaha. What a CREEP! Seriously, the human race scares the bejesus out of me.
haha wow i can't believe he told you that. maybe that's how he lost his teeth? passionate love got a little too passionate? haha. just sayin.
Eww creepy man with no teeth but I was laughing my head off reading that (sorry) :-)
Aww he was just being nice! I spit my soda out on that last sentence.
Hahahaaa! I think I just pissed my pants!
I am trying SO hard to hold in my laughter and be a quiet person in my office so no one thinks I'm nuts(or realizes I'm pretending to work). THIS is hilarious!
That picture just made me throw up in my mouth. Sick.
EEEEEWWWWW!!!! But now I can't stop thinking, if this guy has 8 children then you know he's had sex several times before so this toothless nasty man is finding women to have sex w/ him! And reproduce! It kind of makes you wonder what this woman/women look like. And what his children look like!!!
That is literally the best advice I have EVER heard. Hahah what the shit!?
Also? "Maybe he was using "sweet passionate love" as code-word for "pound you from behind until your contractions start"." I am tearing up from trying not to laugh outrageously loud in my office right now. Thank you. You have once again made my day.
We should have gotten a warning before you posted that picture.
Did you know there is a whole industry predicated on showing pregnant porn?
Um, I was just told that. No research involved.
In other news, IT just called me.
"pound you from behind until your contractions start"
I wish you were an OB/GYN and could give that advice to an expecting mother.
I have no words. But I'm twitching. And I think I'll have nightmares tonight.
OMG I am surprised you didn't go into premature labor from the scare. I think I might have and I am not even pregnant!
EWWWW
1. that picture scares me
2. CHIGGERS! hahaha
Sooooooo...you're going to try it?
How is this man a father of 8? The fact that someone had sex with him once is as gross as that picture.
I love the fact he refers pregnancy to great expectations, classic
A tramp tried to mug me for a cigarette end yesterday, he looked a lot like that pic. Urgh
that was definitely a TMI moment.. he was just trying to help though. You should have returned the favor and mentioned modern dentistry or sub block.
awesome post! absolutely hilarious! I'm still taking that all in! wow.
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