A couple nights ago a woman who lives down the street from me called in a PANIC! She was signed up to go to a charity event and her husband had a sand volleyball game and they desperately needed a babysitter for their one and two year old sons.
...and she called ME!
Of all the people on the planet and especially the ones living in my Wisteria Lane/Payton Place neighborhood I couldn't figure out why on earth she would call me in a pinch. I would be the last person I would call.
Seriously.
Then it dawned on my why she asked me. Because I'm knocked up.
She a) thinks I really love kids because I'm having one myself b) thinks I want practice for my role as a mom. (i hate the word mom)
She's wrong on both accounts.
First, I haven't hung out with a child since I was one. I'm the person that when grocery shopping, if I see a kid in a aisle I want to visit, I'll go to the next one and wait for them to leave.
I put on invisible glasses and pretend children don't exist. When co-workers bring their kids to the office, if they're under the age of 21 I pick up the phone and start calling customers to avoid the "look at my kid! He's/she's so adorable, right?"
I don't know if your kid is cute. Their face is covered in snot and I can't see their face. And snot...is NOT cute.
But ultimately, I'm a sucker.
I agreed to help her out. I mean, what can really happen in an hour and a half?
Oh Sweet Jesus.
I came into the house and immediately my friend told me her older son (the two year old) will start crying when she leaves.
What she failed to mention was he also had a death grip and nails of razors.
The very second the door closed behind her the two year old grabbed hold of my nose and dug his nails into my skin until he broke the flesh.
It was like a fucking cartoon happening in slow motion. I did the best I could lifting his fingers from my wounded face until he weaved his little fingers through my hair and pulled as hard as he could.
Thankfully years of dealing with my tangled curly mess of a weave didn't leave my scalp sensitive to a little pulling, but the light drips of blood on my face were enough to set me into an all out anxiety attack.
I had been babysitting for less than 30 seconds and this was how it was going down!
After the older one settled down a bit he started to warm up and wanted to play games.
By playing games, I mean he tore off his poopy diaper by himself and then started running around the house so I would have to chase his fecal ass around the house praying that he wouldn't stop and sit on the carpeted floor.
Because that, my friends, would be a huge set back to the already eventful evening.
In following suit to his older brother the little one year old also shit his pants.
How many times do kids shit in a day??? I mean seriously? How many? There are limits to how much people should shit.
By the time I got their pants back on and cookies in their mouth (bribing works) I took them outside to play.
Boys like the outdoors, right?
Well, by the end of the night we were best friends. Best friends = me sweating my non-existent balls off while the boys ran around like maniacs and made me chase them.
Does chasing ever get old?
Needless to say, they cried when I left.
*wipes hands off clean & calls it a day*
But regardless, I don't know if I'm ready for this...
23 comments:
WARNING - babies have a TON of dirty diapers:) They shit A LOT.
Hopefully, your baby will not be ridiculous like those two. Yikes.
Those sound like really rambunctious kids. Yours will surely be more mild mannered. I hope. Plus, it's YOUR kid, not theirs, you know? And they loved you by the end, proving you can win anyone over. You're golden. :-)
I think you'll be fine. You've got a year left before your little unborn one becomes a toddler.
My eyes are watering in sympathy for your nose-wound.
Yowch.
I hope my child will be born with the ability to it's own diapers and burp itself. Otherwise it's going to be bad news bears in my house.
You'll be ready. And if you aren't Social Sevices will step in. So you have a safety net in a way.
Yikes! Terrors! Those kids sound like nightmares. Don't worry, yours will be better. And if it isn't you can always beat it. What? :)
you are going to be a great momma! and don't worry, your kids are going to be angels if they are anything like their parents...
oh wait. you're fucked.
Note to self: Don't have kids.
Double note to self: Double bag that shiz
Triple note to self: Find a woman.
oh shit
i think you're totally ready for your bebe. unless it's twin boy maniacs like the ones you babysat, because that could get a little out of hand :)
but no really, i think you'll be a fabulous mother, woo.
Holy crap! No thank you please! I try to avoid any and all situations in which I may be called upon to babysit. I am soooo sorry that you had to endure that.
By the way, babies poop a lot & I'm sure in no time you will be changing diapers without blinking an eye.
Secret babysitter rule number 1 - kids should NEVER actually witness their parents leaving the house. Best way of departure - you and kids playing happily in one room while parents depart from other WITHOUT saying goodbye. By the time children realize parents are gone, they are having too much fun to care (that much). Next, the fact that you stayed through the night and didnt run screaming or curl up in a ball on the floor, means you are ready for kids. And they will be your own so you can train them and mold them.
As terrible as it was, you sounded a little sympathetic there near the end. I think you kind of like it. Sick!
I think it'll be different if it's your own kid. Really. :)
But other people's kids will usually freak me out and there's almost no possible way for me to say yes if anyone wants me to babysit. Yikes. I'm horrible.
well you get to ease into it....i think thats what people say. along with, oh.....wiping boogers off the wall is ok WHEN ITS YOUR OWN KID! I guess you just take "their" word for it, otherwise we wouldn't be here. No one would reproduce.
I do the fake phone call thing too when people bring kids into work, or if it is a really annoying co worker i don't want to talk to.
You know how Stella sometimes does naughty things and maybe poops where she shouldn't and pukes too and you have to clean it up and she gets little goobers in the corners of her eyes that you have to wipe out but you don't mind because you love her and you still think she is absolutely adorable? It'll be like that with your kid, too.
Ouch. Sounds painful. 2 year olds should have their claws...er, nails, clipped regularly.
Yours will be different.
They just HAVE to be, right? ;-)
I'm funny because I have always wanted babies of my own, but I despise other people's kids. When someone hands me a baby to hold I have it for like 20 seconds and then I look around for someone to give it to. Same with dogs. I really do like dogs...but not other people's. I don't want to pet it, I don't want it jumping on me...can't stand it. But I do want one of my own someday! As in when my kids are old enough to take care of it.
Also, you know how kids are really horrible to substitute teachers but pretty good for their own teachers? I think that might be how it goes down for parenting too.
Oh, I am so sorry your first experience with kids was like this. This is the worst possible scenario, I promise. 1)they are both boys! 2)ever heard of the the terrible 2's? yeah, that's basically what you were dealing with!
once you meet your baby your thoughts and feelings regarding the poopie diapers will change...it will become tolerable b/c it's from ur baby...hang in there
OMG. This sounds like a nightmare. I've babysat for years, and nothing like that ever happened. I'm sure you kid will be better. Or at least, it won't be able to go for you face for a few years.
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