Blame it on Seinfeld

I have curly brown hair, wear dark glasses, and dance like a maniac.



I can't count the number of times people have BEGGED me to go as Elaine (from Seinfeld) for Halloween. The only thing I'm lacking is the long small flower print dress worn under a blazer and brown loafer-esque shoes.

Now if dressed accordingly, I get a lot of Tina Fey...but that's an entirely different story.

Back to the point.

I'm a big Seinfeld fan. Before the weather got nice, PH and I used to watch two re-runs a night while we cooked and ate dinner. The show has definitely influenced my life. I constantly wonder where I got the idea that hiding under my desk was an okay way to avoid a situation or the fact that it would be harder (more like near damn impossible) to get fired from my place of employment than it would be to just do my job.

Anyway, because of Seinfeld and Elaine, I have never seen the movie The English Patient. Elaine was NOT a fan. When it first came out my parents raved about the movie, my mom cried through the entire ending, and they told me I was missing out.

You know what?

That fucker is over three hours long and it's about a guy who is laying in bed the whole time!

No.

Not for me.

Forrest Gump? Yeah, I can sit through three hours of that. Robin Wright Penn is a totally wreck and is naked on stage covering a Joan Baez song, but The English Patient? I have no patience for that type of crap.

And who watches a Ralph Fiennes movie before he was Lord Voldemort?

Really?

Well, one of my best friends who lives in Mad-town called a while ago and said she'd be coming for the weekend. So, of course, I have to give the house a complete disinfecting before she comes in town. I just can't stand clutter.

Last night I decided to clean the kitchen top to bottom (I brought out the yellow gloves) and clean the kitchen. At least a three hour job if done right (read: Wash floors on hands and knees). PH was at a volleyball game so I had hours of no distractions.

Well, what is on TV?

The fucking English Patient.

Hey, I've got three hours to spare and some kick ass gloves to wear. I could find something less exciting to watch, like the Hills...

When PH got home from his volleyball game all I could say was, "I am so glad you weren't here."

Looking at me confused as to why I was glad he was gone while I cleaned the kitchen, I'm sure he thought it was because I was mad at him and would have stabbed him in the foot with a kitchen knife for not helping me, but it was because of the damn English Patient.

Here's the truth...

I ugly cried for the last half hour of the movie.

First and foremost: I AM NOT A CRIER!

I don't cry.

Stub my toe?

Drop a few f*bombs.

Fall down the stairs?

Scream for help.

Stella Bella gets hit by a car?

Nurse her to health and spend all waking hours tracking down the ass hole who hit her while threatening his family.

So learned Elaine isn't always right and pregnancy turns women into crying bitches.