Panic at the Attack

I'm so stressed and overwhelmed its making me physically ill. I woke up today freaking the fuck out. On of my best friends is coming in town tonight and I haven't even showered yet today! I'm supposed to take her (and her new husband) out and show them a good time but I'm so consumed with stuff that probably doesn't mean a damn thing.

For starters, I'm hosting a friend of mine's baby shower tomorrow morning.

No, I do not -under any circumstances- enjoy baby showers. Fuck, I can't even stand my own. They're so freaking boring.

Seriously.

It's horrible.

I count down minutes until they're over hoping and praying everyone else feels the same and they leave early.

I'm doing it because I feel guilty not to. She hosted a party for me and now I feel responsible to return the favor. The shower is tomorrow...you know the same time my friend is in town?

What am I supposed to do with my house guests while I waste away in the kitchen trying to slice up strawberries and carrots?

Secondly, I think the house looks like shit. I haven't been home one night this week. NOT ONE NIGHT. Between volleyball tournaments, childbirth classes, and birthday dinners(Happy Birthday, Pumpkinhead!) I'm lucky if I'm home for more than 2 waking hours a day. My friends are going to have to sleep somewhere between a baby swing (yeah, I got that set up already. The dog is afraid of new things that move) and a stroller.

My poor dog. Thankfully PH doesn't work full time in the summer (yeah for teachers!) and she hasn't gone neglected day in and day out.

And the friend coming in town tonight requested we go out to a place with a nice patio...I've got my choices down pat, but it looks like it's going to rain like a mother fucker.

I have no plan B.

Then I have my own baby shower on Sunday. So I don't sound like too much of a bitch it's incredibly thoughtful of my MIL who is hosting it. My own mom isn't throwing me a baby shower. It's not her fault, we really are the only two women in my family. I have no grandparents, my one aunt passed away last year, and I have no female cousins who live within 500 miles of us. I wouldn't drive more than 15 miles for a baby shower that wasn't mine.

But for fuck sake, she wants me to play GAMES at the shower.

Seriously, woman? Baby shower games?

If you get a fucking measuring tape within 8 feet of my body for a game of "guess the circumference" I will go hormonal on your ass.

You only think I'm kidding.

But what makes this all the more worse is this morning I got an update on my quarterly progress for making my 2nd quarter quota.

I nearly had a heart attack.

Business is so down I used to bill more business my first year out of college selling radio. I can't even begin to tell you how unbelievably depressed and utterly horrified I am of this.

It is seriously weighing on me.

I'm having a baby in less than a month and I feel like I'm failing at bring home enough money to support it.

How in the world did I think it was okay to let myself get knocked up in this economic climate?

HOW?

This news alone is what is going to prevent me from having fun tonight. I'm going to be hanging out with my friend who I love and adore and the entire time this will be consuming my thoughts.

I keep telling myself: Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.

But I can't.

And instead of cold calling clients all day and doing everything I can to conjure up new business and increase client spending I am blogging.

BLOGGING!

Ugh. Sometimes I hate myself because I know I'm my own worst enemy. But realistically I've been working hard all day. It's 4:30 on Friday and I'm the only person left in the building.

Yeah, not because I'm an over achiever, it's because no one showed up today and I got delegated responsibility to answer the fucking phones.

I'm not a goddamn receptionist! I'm also not a high school grad looking for some summer work or an entry level college kid who just scored their first job. I'm a seasoned professional with over 6 years of a successful proven track record and they have me grounded to a headset to answer phones because i'm the only person in this fucking office with any communication skills decent to say, "Company XXX, how my I direct your call" because they hired fucking idiots to work here because they didn't demand higher salaries/wages!!!

Oh fuck. What does that make me?

Wait, I'm commission. That doesn't effect me.

Anyway, I should relax.

Over breakfast last week PH brought up the possibility of me not going back to work after the baby. It's a thought that I never really saw possible. For starters, I never really thought we could afford our lifestyle on one salary. Especially not wit out mine. Well, we wouldn't be able to afford our lifestyle. We'd be really tight on money. No extra money going into stocks, no new car this fall (we are planning on buying a hybrid in October), no oversea vacations, no more eating out all weekend, no more visiting rated restaurants for the hell of it, no more shopping excursions without consequence, no more cable, no rhapsody, no more a lot of stuff.

(Wow. I didn't really realize how good we had it until I wrote it out like that. Now I feel stressed and guilty).

But the stress right now with work is being caused because i'm not makes as much as I used to, but after writing it out like that, I guess there's a lot I can cut out of our lives to make it a whole hell of a lot easier. Well, nevermind. Let's be honest...

We was planning on going to Buenos Ares for my friend's wedding over Christmas. Well, I don't think that's as possible with a 5 month old...so that's out of the picture.

Secondly, we don't go out as much to "nice" restaurants as we used to. I mean we still do at least once a month. It's not like we do it every week.

Thirdly, the extra money going into stock...that's college money for the lil' cupcake. That's important. That's us saving and if god forbid something did happen and we would have money saved up for emergencies.

But everything else...yeah, I could live without it. I could definitely cut back on how much we eat out on weekends. How much we spend going out to bars (not so much for me right now, but you get it). Shopping...for fuck sake I know I have room there to make some cuts. Also I eat out almost EVERYDAY for lunch. I need to pack my own. PP&J has always been my fav.

Okay...wow. I really made myself feel better. I know this post has kind of been a string of thoughts loosely tied together, sorry if I lost you.

If I wrote a real journal -you know one that sits on a night stand and not posted all over the Internet- it would probably be just like this.

Happy Friday.