Rockin a Gaga

For the last week I've been sending out resumes. I kind of feel Monster.com and CareerBuilder are a lost cause, but I'm starting to think I have a kick ass resume because I've got TWO interviews coming up.

T.W.O.

I'm a rock star right now.

I'm not going to go as far to say these are dream jobs, maybe not even the best choices for a career, but jobs. In my field. Which I think at this point with the company closing and all is good enough for the time being.

One of them is actually a part-time sales job...I would be an independent rep (which is fine because all of my health benefits are covered by PH anyway), create my own hours (a plus so I can hang out with my Tiger more), BUT it's less money. 50% less to be exact...HOWEVER...my life has a different set of priorities than it used to. I can't believe I'm saying this, but making less money, but having a higher quality of life (not traveling, more time with Tiger) is worth it to me. I believe it's a fair trade off.

If, however, the part time opportunity is really a waste of time and I won't be making shit for my efforts, and I have to get a full time job, I want it to be a good career move, not just another job.

And we all know the difference between a career and a job.

I've put some long hours in trying to decide what would be the best move for me. Here are some of the options I've come up with:



Chef
Pros
Doing something I love
Get to buy kick ass knives
Excuse to eat all day
necessary visits to local farmers markets

Cons
No experience
no schooling
All nights and weekend
possibility of losing a finger with said knives

Secret Agent



Pros
Make LOTS of money
Have the ability to kill someone with my bare hands
Kick ass weapons
International travel

Cons
work nights
constant lying
guilty conscience

IT Person


Pros
High demand job
solid pay
reasonable hours
spy on other employees Internet use
stare at all the online porn I can imagine without worry about getting caught

Cons
Don't speak java developer, SAP, Oracle, .Net, CSS, etc...
Don't speak Hindi
I'm not a Mac or a PC
no patience for stupid people

Professional Blogger


Pros
Already have a blog with domain name and everything

Cons
Um...that means I would actually have to blog again.


Ugh! I hate looking for a new job. At least I can rock a Lady Gaga.



Maybe she'll hire me as a double.

**which could fit in the category of Spy...maybe secret agent.

Should I stay or should I go now?

I promised myself I would let life go back to normal.

Too bad I don't really know what normal is anymore. Getting up at 6am just to leave the house by 7:45am is a huge fucking adjustment. I used to look all glamorous in 30 minutes (including shower) and now I swear to god it takes 3 damn hours.

Anyway, not the purpose of my post.

I digress.

Alright, let's start from the beginning. If you've ever read my blog before you know I'm not a huge fan of my job. I used to have a boss I couldn't stand (got new boss all is good), but I work with in a circus run by a group of fucking monkeys. It used to surprise me on a daily basis how this organization could stay afloat with the idiots they hired (myself, exempt) and the dumb ass decisions they make.

Well, it is finally catching up with them.

After a very long meeting yesterday I have come to a realization that the business I work for is very likely to shut it's doors in January.

With this said, it is not necessarily the result of idiot employees or dumb ass decisions. I can safely say this economy has fucked us in the ass. Harder than Vito Spatafore.

It's not a done deal. As a company we're pulling together to hit our end of the year goals and keep the company going, but it's SO uncertain. If the doors do stay open they'll let go of 3/4 of the office. I don't think I'll be one of the people to be let go because I'm a commission sales rep with no benefits. I don't cost the company money.

On the flip side, I won't make very much money being commission only. I'm making HALF of what I did last year. HALF. I took a 50% pay cut because of this economy. Anyone in their right mind would have left already but keep in mind I was knocked up all year and the job market isn't necessarily desperate trying to hire people right now.

In my mind I have until January to find a new job...if we go under.

Would you stay, or would you go?

Boobs are vengeful [not so] little f*ckers

I love my boobs.

Wait...

I should say I loved my boobs.

If I could show them off like those grass skirt women in 1970's National Geographic photos I would say they were my favorite feature. My boobs were PERFECT.

Round
the same size
proportionately correct to my body size
ideal nipple to breast ratio

You get what I'm saying, right?

Well, now...hhmm...the best way to describe this.

My life is completely ruled by my boobs. They have become the most high maintenance pain the in ass I have ever had to deal with in my life. When I was knocked up my body belonged to the fetus.

Now, my body belongs to my boobs.

PAIN.IN.MY.ASS.

I have to wear a bra during sexy time just in case they might explode.

No, I have to wear a bra ALL.THE.TIME. even to bed!

They have the be drained several times a day in order for me to maintain comfort and clean shirts.

They are swollen up like balloons every morning and I look like I should have my on spread in Playboy. (okay, that doesn't sound so bad but it's hurts).

Wearing nursing pads everyday is more important than wearing deoderant (i do practice deoderant).

And what makes this even worse, is they knooooooow I hate them.

So what do they do?

They fuck me over. They go out.of.their.way to screw with me. I think my boobs get together every morning and think of hateful ways to make me want to break down into an ugly cry.

What everyone fails to mention to you once you have a kid and decide to breastfeed is that your boobs are like over-excited cheerleaders. They've been dormant for the length of their existence and all of a sudden they get the green light to go live.

And boy, do they go live.

I swear my boobs were on a mission to try and feed a small village. Actually, I should take a picture of all the frozen milk I have in my freezer. I think I could seriously feed a family in Africa.

12 days after I had Tiger I was already too small for maternity clothes (thank, God!) but not back into my normal size 6 (BOO!). So, I did the only logical thing I could think of: go shopping. I just wanted a pair of cheap jeans and a skirt I could wear for the next couple of weeks until I was back into my old clothes.

I didn't want to spend a lot of money so I decided to run into Old Navy for jeans and a cute skirt. Just something to tide me over. I started grabbing jeans in various sizes and trying them on. I walked into the changing room wearing a tank top on maternity shorts and I immediately noticed the nursing pads I had shoved into my bra where making my boobs look like they were stuffed with newspaper.

Embarrassed by the crinkly boobs I quickly yanked the fuckers out and stuffed them into my purse. With no baby near me I was positive my boobs wouldn't let loose.

(FYI: baby cries = boobs turn "on")

I continued walking fruitlessly around the store for what felt like forever when I caught this woman pushing her baby in a stroller staring at me and giving me dirty look. Without hesitation I wanted to slap her in the face and say, "I know I look like hell, but I'm sure I look better than you 12 days after giving birth".

My self esteem already plummeted trying on jeans which were 2 sizes bigger than my pre-pregger size and then I was getting dirty looks from people in the store.

As I was grabbing the last pair of jeans I was going to try on...I saw it.

Both of my boobs were leaking through my tank top all the way down to my BELLY BUTTON!!!

With ninja like reflexes I dove into my purse to find the damn nursing pads I had stuffed in there 20 minutes prior. I was positive some sales associate was going to stop me leaving the store for shoplifting because I was hiding in a sales rack shoving stuff down my shirt.

I was like cartoon character shaking my head from side to side trying to determine if I buy the jeans or leave the store. Imagine me standing in the store and physically turning in my head, fast, side to side from the check out counter to the exit. Finally, after about 20 seconds of this going on I decided it wasn't worth having to come back to the store for the pants!

I slung my bag across my chest like an idiot to hide by boobs' vengeful display and headed to the register.

Three minutes later I was safely hidden away in my car.

I held it together...I didn't ugly cry.

I won that battle, but unfortunately I'm losing the war.

On the upside, Wednesday Tiger turned two months old and I weighted 3 lbs less than I did before I got pregnant.

Incase you were wondering, no, I'm not human.

e·mer·gence

I can't even begin to tell you how long I have been staring at this blank screen.

Or how many times I've sat down in front of the computer with a million ideas for posts and have written nothing.

Well, if you keep up, you already know the lack of writing taking place in the Dolce world.

It's not for lack of material, trust me.

I have a treasure chest of goodies.

It's not from lack of time; nap time is a wonderful thing.

It's the cocoon I have chosen to live inside for the past several weeks. The four corners of my house I have decided to devote the majority of my attention.

Unfortunately, the real world stops for no one.

This week is my first week back to work after having Tiger and since I have re-entered the real world I might as well go all the way and emerge back into the blogsphere.

Hello, old friends.

Meet the Cupcake

Just like Mufasa presenting Simba for the first time high on the mountains for all his followers to see, here I present is my little cupcake. I never do this, but I felt for the special occasion instead of writing out all the gory details...and yes, they are gory, I will present them to the Internet and freaders.

Getting hooked up to the monitors.

Yeah, still smiling, however that changed pretty quickly. Pitocin is absolutely hell. Within 3 hours I was having contractions one on top of the other one. Most people who go into labor naturally say contractions are like REALLY BAD menstrual cramps. Well, chemically induced contractions feels like your uterus is possessed and is trying to kill you from the inside out. Because I wanted a natural child birth I refused drugs, up until Lucifer the doctor tried to break my water.

Okay, breaking of water doesn't sound like it should be that bad, but this jackass resident went into my girly bits with a fucking pitch fork trying to break the damn thing until he decided it was already broken. I swear to God the it was so freaking gory it looked like Texas Chainsaw Massacre of my vag. It was horrible. At this point I decided getting chemically induced wasn't natural anyway and that an epidural was absolutely mandatory.

Two hours and one push later, my little cupcake.

5 seconds old.

It's amazing how much love you have for someone once you become a parent. The love is instantaneous and nothing in the world will ever be able to break it. It's already been a week since I had him and I love him more already.

PH holding cupcake for the first time ever!

Me and my little man

Chilling in the hospital.

PH and his Mini-Me.

Leaving the hospital.

Playing at home.

My little man, Thomas Logan.

From here on out I will lovingly refer to him as Tiger. While I do love the name cupcake, it's only fair I refer to him with a name that will not get him confused with...Hhmm...I don't know, a girl.

Last night I celebrated his birth with one of these:



I haven't had one of these hit my lips since November 2nd, 2008. Sweet Jesus, there is a heaven!!!

Winners of the giveaway will be announced...soon.

Eviction Notice

The little guy is still in there!!!

I have done EVERYTHING humanly possible to get this guy out and NOTHING has worked. I even increased the sex to twice a day to get this bad boy out of there.

PH has been uncharacteristically patient with this delay...even for him.

Jen - I don't think I can do the caster oil. Inducing myself through drinking oil is gross enough, but the thought of inducing diarrhea (I just shuttered) as well makes me think being pregnant for a couple more days won't be that bad.

So today the doctor gave cupcake his eviction notice: Thursday July 23rd.

Day 6 Top 10

I'm going to start charging this little guy rent.

Don't think I'm joking!!!

I'm serious as a heart attack. 6 days past due is LOOOOOOOOOOOONG enough.

Mama needs a glass of wine.

She also needs to be able to see her vag again. She misses her.

Since I thought I would no longer be knocked up right now I've had a lot of sober time to think about all the things I want to do after I'm no longer gestating.

Top 10 Things To Do After I Have a Baby


10. WINE! Red, dry, robust, delicious, red wine. Please feel free to send me a bottle of your favorite kind.

9. Get a Brazilian. Razors are overrated!

8. Buy several deep plunging neckline tops to show off the newly voluptuous ta-tas.

7. Workout non-stop to look like fucking supermodel M.I.L.F. in said tops.

6. Enjoy being at home.

5. Wear a bikini again (seriously, I have high expectations of what I'm going to look like after the baby. Personal trainer is already booked).

4. Be the second drunkest person at my SIL's bachelorette party (second only to the bride to be)...this is one month after cupcake. I'm not that irresponsible.

3. Enjoy 8 solid weeks of pretending I'm unemployed and getting barely paid for it.

2. Spend as much time as possible with PH before he starts school again.

1. Have sex in non doggy-style position.

I wish my worst fears were lions, tigers, & bears

I've been having a lot of nightmares lately. These dreams stun to me wake at night in a panic, wet with sweat. I'm not sleeping very well to begin with and it disturbs me that the little sleep I am getting is being violated by unnecessary dreaming.

The nightmares are of my worst fears.

For the last couple of months I've been reading the blog Matt, Liz, and Madeline. A coworker and fellow blogger got me hooked. Matt and wife had a baby, Madeline, and Liz died about 24 hours after her birth from complications related to a c-section (I think it was a blood clot, I'm not sure). Anyway, the first time I read his blog I cried...ugly cried. Matt has been an exemplary father...the best any child could ask for.

I often dream that I die during delivery. It scares me white. I'm not so much scared of my life ending, it's the fear of leaving PH alone, missing out on raising our son, and knowing the heartache it would cause. It's selfish to think he wouldn't be okay without me because PH can persevere though anything. In the brink of life it's tragic to have it accompanied by death.

An acquaintance of mine (C) in Payton Place and I were hanging out on the Fourth of July. C is gorgeous, mid-thirties, and for the year that I've known her (I see her out quite a bit) I have never seen her with the same dude twice. I just thought she was a recently divorced women having fun. As we were talking the topic of children came up (hhmm...I wonder why that happens) and she was talking about picking out names and how much easier it was choosing her son's name than her daughter. Finally she refers to her son's dad as "my late husband".

I felt so stupid and slightly ashamed automatically believing this woman was divorced. As we sat there she tells me the story of how her husband was killed when she was 7 weeks pregnant; they had just found out the week before they were having a second baby. A robber came into her husband's place of work to burglarize the place and shot him in the process. I was heartbroken for her listening to the story then her 4 year old son comes walking down the stair looking for a drink of water. I stared at him for a second and thought about how he would never meet or know his dad.

That's my second nightmare in the night, but it's by far the worst. I dream of PH dying in car crashes, getting shot by a crazy student of his at school, brain aneurysms, cancer, you name it. I dream of him dying every way a person can die. It leaves me breathless. While I know deep down in the pit of my stomach that PH would be fine without me, I'm not nearly as certain as my own survival without him. It sounds pathetic...I know this, but maybe that's why I fear it so incredibly much.

I recognize these are just crazy pregnancy dreams, but they still haunt me. They haunt me because they can become true.

Jeez...I just need this kid out so I can focus on something else. The suspense is freaking KILLING me. I think at least half of the people who submitted dates of the expected babe are still in the running. If I could put a guess in, I'd say the 24th. Scary, huh?

Alright, tomorrow I won't talk about death. I'll talk about my friend's clinical week in the city for Free STD testing week! Those stories are priceless.

Leave me alone or else I'm going to pour my decaf all over you and hope you melt like the wicked witch of the west

7/14/09 8:19am

Coworker1: Why are you still here???

Dolce: Because I'm still pregnant.

Coworker1: (smiles and cocks head to the side) He just doesn't want to come out, does he?

Dolce: Apparently not.

7/14/09 8:23am

Coworker2: Oh! You're still here!

Dolce: (trying to maintain composure) Yep.

Coworker2: I thought for sure we wouldn't be seeing you for awhile.

Dolce: Nope. I'm here. Probably will be for the rest of the week.

Coworker2: He just likes it in there.

Dolce: (inner monologue - I totally want to fucking punch you in the face. Do you think I want to be HERE???) Yep.

7/14/09 8:44am

Coworker3: You went to the doctor yesterday and nothing?

Dolce: (Remain calm. Breathe.) Nothing.

Coworker3: Nothing? How can that be?

Dolce: I don't know.

Coworker3: He just likes it in there.

Dolce: Apparently.

7/14/09 8:46am

Coworker4: (pops head into my office) Oh, you're still here!

Dolce: MMmHmmm.

Coworker4: Okay (walks away).

Dolce: SLDKKJFSDLKUOWLSDKJFOSINEROHGFHORTFGNORTHFGOI!!!!!!!!

7/14/09 8:50am

Coworker5: So, how's the baby doing?

Dolce: The doctor said yesterday he's perfect!

Coworker5: So, he's just wants to hang out in there?

Dolce: (tries to hide rolling eyes) Yep.

Coworker: Well, at least you look good.

Dolce: That's the best thing I've heard all day.


**Does anyone have a motorcycle I can borrow???**

Last Chance!!!

If you haven't submitted your guesses yet for Dolce's Sweetest Blog Giveaway today is your last chance. All comments submitted after 5pm central time today will not be eligible to participate.

Now, don't let me lead you astray...I may have had the baby...I may have not.

Aren't Blogger's scheduled posts the best???

Click here to submit your comment.

If you're interested.

If not...BOO!!!